Winter

I think it was Jon that said it standing in front of the Lickety Splitz in Bellflower. Pair of girls walked into a liquor store, near our age but classier in the starting winter chill of Southern California. Warm day turned into cool night so the long coats over mini skirts more fashion than function.
‘I like girls that swish’ he said as they piled into the car and drove into the night. Both of us left to wait and wonder. Nothing for us but to stand around with no plan or goal for the evening, give up and head our separate ways to repeat the night a few more times before I left. Stellar end to a stellar week.

Hurrying to my bus in Seattle I’m reminded of that saying. Almost midnight on a Friday near Downtown, a long day at two jobs, covered in glitter, grim and grief. Waiting to get home and put the last 14 hours of various bosses, double standards and box pushing behind me. Drink a beer, watch some cable and try to make a weekend out of it. Ignore the cabs dropping off well dressed sophistos, hipsters and the past 30 set trying to hold onto the illusion of youth. Dressed to the nines in either too much or too little, stumbling down uneven streets to some poorly lit bar that traded in more ambiance than alcohol. Dark but never dank which is what I wanted at that moment a place to lose the past day.

Past a young man too gone with exhaustion to care wanting to be home, peel off his workman blacks and get to bed.

I envied them. But had that vague feeling I couldn’t go into their world. Something kept me out of it.

Maybe it was the faded blacks, the tool bag or the glitter that looked like I lost a fight with an elf. Either way they passed by with only dirty looks as I waited for my bus.

‘Does this bus go to Ballard?’ it was soft and sweet breaking me out of the funk that was brewing. I looked over. She was even less prepared for the winter than me. Wearing shorts and chucks, shivering under a long crocheted (or knitted) sweater, ‘Yeah should be here soon I think… not sure really’ she asks if I had a long day and I laugh admitting it didn’t seem that way at first. She smiles looking somehow out of place from the Friday crowd just a little detail betraying the whole. I ask what brought her to Seattle and she tells me about her friends and family. Mentioned a brief description of places far away as I waver between awake and asleep nearly forgetting her name as the 15 pulls up.

She climbs up, hesitates, pays and sits down. The bus is half a block away before I realize it was yet another chance I missed.

The Doppelganger on the 91

It was July, boiling and no relief came from the cool breeze of the Pacific. Half awake sprawled on the double sideways seat near the rear doors of the number 91. My fedora mostly covering my eyes, my back pack as a pillow and a Hawaiian shirt toping off the outfit in a kind of mocking cool, I didn’t believe I looked good just different. After all that’s what mattered more. Not being some cookie cutter clone of a carbon image but trying for something individual.
In other words I had the look and feel of a classic dweed trying to be cool but nonchalant about it.
Didn’t really matter because at summer school. We couldn’t really be cool because there was no one to impress, just a handful of facts to be memorized and part of our freedom taken away.

That ride was my meditation. Through the kids going to the beach, or the adults going to and from work and all the rejects of other schools riding home I’d lay there listening to the road. Putting the few facts I stumbled on that day into order. Forgetting the host of people having a better time than me. The others that weren’t shackled to the bus but rather librated to go or come as they please.
In whatever form that came I’d wait out the ride and eventually get home. Disappear or hang out. It didn’t matter this was my last summer before adulthood and I tried to take some kind of advantage of it. If nothing else there was that MUD I had just found.

Then I came in.
I stopped and looked down at myself.
Electricity was in the air as I looked into my own eyes thick glasses in front of the same black brown eyes, mouths agape each of us looking for the words.

Here I way laying there I, or he, was staring down at me. We were the same but different. A different set of choices put him in a t-shirt and jeans and me in my poser cool garb. Both uncaring but for different reasons neither really confident or I don’t think he was as confident as I tried to be. I wanted to know what made him him and me me. What was the major difference but I got scared and couldn’t ask.
The bus jerked forward and he walked the couple steps to sit in the back.
I felt his eyes for the next few stops until I couldn’t take it and had to get off. I knew I fucked up but I couldn’t phrase the words right.
Couldn’t think the right way to say I knew it was me but also no me. Knew we were alike but different and that’s what haunted me. Was it just superficial or was there something more there?

Wandering over to Clark I tried to figure how the conversation would have gone. Did he have any better idea what was going on than I did or was he too trying to find that balance that I hoped existed. Did he have high hopes for the future or was it just me.
Did he have a girlfriend?
A part of me figured he must have known the answer because I didn’t.

Today over a decade after that event I still feel his wake. Coming from people who swear they know me but I figure they know him. Claiming I worked on shows that I wasn’t around for or couldn’t have done in places I’ve never heard of. Maybe if I try hard enough and go enough places I will run into him again. This time I’d like to be the cool one and him the dweeb.

Personal

It said something about zombies.
Something about a zombie plan but it was buried in a long list meant to scare off any potential spamming or stalking, maybe a real person sat at the other side typing each entry on the list and then submitting it to craigslist, either way I bit.
I was alone, burning some kind of midnight oil in Lake City. Away from the action and life of the city, in the outer limits of Seattle drinking cheap beers then watching someone get tattooed meant a Friday well spent. Walking past the crumbling facades of the main drag, car dealerships closed for the night, down steep hills to my house but not before buying a few Steel Reserves from the Shell on the corner. The late night cashier joking with me about buying 4 and planning a busy night. Laughing trying to convince myself I wasn’t ready to venture into Rick’s. Pay to see some boobs and have some girl feign interest but looking for a tip. Instead I held out hope that I could find someone for free.
No dice at that point.

I was too young for the girls that go for a guy renting a room and out of work. Hunting for jobs but being too picky for most. Barely talking to people but trying to be around them. Hoping after hope my phone would ring and things would turn around and something would change. Or an offer would be in my inbox and suddenly I’d have somewhere to go that wasn’t the library, bar or coffee shop. Ignoring the looks of people that wondering what I was because I couldn’t be homeless and being in the wrong place to be rich. Maybe a student? Who else would need the coffee and the library?
Yeah that kind of woman was still a decade or two off for me drinking cheap wine ‘til dawn and finding solace in being together back then I had to settle for being alone.

On craigslist personals I saw the ad and responded. By then it was just like looking for a job or getting a dresser. Give some details, interest, and send it off. Hope there’s a person on the other side and wait.
Always waiting.
Eating gyros and looking at model trains. Anything to waste time before I headed home to find an empty inbox and then it was too late to make calls or maybe there were no new jobs to be had. Watch tv and wait. Look busy and cook up some dinner and catch the news.
Act like I wasn’t out of work and bored, questioning my choice. Wondering was someone interested in my zombie plan instead of posting for a late night amusement some last laugh before bed.Either way I drank my beer, watched the news rebroadcast and went to bed.
I never got a response.

What Teenage Sitcoms Taught Me About Life

1. Laziness and bad grades won’t keep you from a good college
2. All Classes are a few minutes long
3. Loitering in hallways is as acceptable as going to class
4. Your standard locker can fit at least one person.
5. A friendly rivalry with a teacher or administrator is inevitable but they are actually trying to instill some life lesson.
6. Hang outs don’t expect you to pay for food
7. Summer Jobs are sources of amusing antics
1. Or brief mention at the start of September
8. Don’t worry the blind date will be a probably be a hottie
1. If not an import lesson to not judge people based on appearance will ensue
9. Bullies can come around to you side and lead to interesting situations.
10. All cliques are clichéd stereotypes
11. A nerd can build extraordinary devices as needed.
12. The nerd girl can become a cutie but you’ve probably ruined your chances by then.
13. Seek popularity above all else
14. Teachers don’t mind if you drop by their houses unannounced to ask for help with life’s problems.
15. A group of strangers with different backgrounds will become friends if forced to be around each other long enough
16. The school will only ever perform Romeo and Juliet, Our Town or if you’re lucky A Christmas Carol.
17. Driver’s ed will either involve car mock ups and an old movie of driving or a golf car. Either way be prepared for hilarity
18. All shop students are delinquents but their skills will come in handy when a party trashes someone’s house or car
19. The slang will beyond cutting edge
20. Once accepted into a clique you may leave temporarily but ultimately you have to go back.

52 Thoughts About 26 years

(This is a long blog that goes no where but some info maybe gleaned from it but only for those with true grit)

1. Nails references are never as cool on paper (be it electronic or otherwise) as I hope they will be.
   

2. My handwriting is in a subset of unreadable. Though I print, having been told by multiple education professionals to do so over a decade ago, it still has a style that borders on 'arthritic chimp holding a pencil with its feet' and 'trying to write with your off hand because you won't buy into the whole right handed domination'. Funny thing it's nothing new. In Kindergarten I remember the teacher commenting that I needed to practice handwriting more.

3. I can't trust my teenage self. Even though I defer to those memories for help I can't trust his instincts. Same goes for my preteen self (meaning years before I was a teen not the strange category we have these days of tween. Can't we just have it done with and come up with some new cultural coming of age ceremony? The Driver's License use to be it but nowadays could it be lowering the tattoo age to 16ish and just let kids do that? Sign of rebellion and regrettable youth in one foul stroke. The true passage into adulthood.)

4. If it weren't for peer pressure I wouldn't be in theater. I also probably wouldn't have contacts, drink coffee or try my hand at writing occasionally
   

5. Making lists is not as much fun as it was in 11^th grade.
   

6. Despite being a fan of Jethro Tull since I was a wee one I have yet to see one of their concerts. Something has always come up when I could. The top three: 1) No car to get to concert but enough money for a ticket. 2) No money for a ticket but a car to get me there. 3) No car or money for a ticket. This past time I had work.

7. The whole beer before liquor thing.
   Don't care. Never have never will but maybe I should? Those are decisions one should make sober and not after having had a half dozen.

8. My favorite color hasn't change since I was a kid. Did go through a phase where people thought it was black or grey but in truth I was preparing for my future career.

9. When I was 17 I took close to two hundred postcards that advertised the (then) upcoming movie 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'. Despite using them occasionally for years I still had over 100 of them last year. I recycled most of them but kept about 20. I'm that kind of pack rat

10. There are people who were incredible influences on my life who I don't talk to anymore and probably won't talk to anytime soon. Even if I did talk to them I worry it might be very weird to talk about the trivial things that occurred that I took as being important. It'd be kind of anticlimactic. Much like an email I received from someone I went to high school with telling me how I influenced and changed their life. There's no good come back for that especially since my response was, 'That's great… I guess.'

11. Wandering around alone in the middle of the night usually means you're drunk, homeless, crazy or a combination of the three. Doesn't matter where you do it people have the same reaction of giving you space. Even if I'm stone cold sober with a place to live and an accepted mental status. This does not apply to drunk, homeless or crazy people who engage me in long deep conversations when I'm just taking a walk to clear my mind.

12. I've taken something from nearly every show/job I've done. Most of the time it's something really small and meaningless that I lose in a few days but other times it's something huge like my banner from TWATS (that's 'The World According To Snoopy') or yellow star from 'The Diary of Anne Frank' it's a klepto tick I have.

13. I really should have been a comic book geek. In fact I lament the fact I never was. Nowadays I just can't get into them except the realistic slice of life comics but I can find webcomics that are free instead of waiting for a monthly issue and spending money.

14. Collections are never cool at the beginning. Right now I'm starting my collection of stickers, bracelets or other indications (that aren't tshirts I'm starting to have too many local crew shirts) of me crewing a show. It's lame when you only have 2 stickers, a lanyard and a bunch of wristbands (I'm throwing out the paper wristbands that don't say who the group is) but in a few years it'll be a cool collection.

15. I can't get away from the nerd stigma of having been in Math Club and Chess Club. No matter how cool I may think I am there are pictures, somewhere, of me in each of those.

16. My days of enjoying conversations about RPG related topics are hopefully done. I'm sure I'll engage in them occasionally but lately I've witnessed a few of them and just been bored. I do find the passion those people debate the issue to be admirable but it's not for me… any more… with luck.

17. I like the number 17. It's not my favorite number because that's a bit asinine but it's a good number

18. I'm never going to be the right age for fitting in. For some reason I'm either too old or too young. And if I am by chance the right age I act to much in one direction or the other. Character faults I'm well aware.

19. Having non sequitur references to things don't make you funny, interesting or anything of that sort. But having a stream of conscience thought process has lead me into situations where I have to explain how I got to that place.

20. No one should reunite ever. Under no circumstances. Ever. But if they do do it right like the Rolling Stones or Van Halen. But if it's become apparent it's some kind of money raising scheme just give it up. Like The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Grateful Dead.

21. Stop trying to convince people to dig deeper with 'Fear and Loathing'. If they want to see a drug movie they're going to see a drug movie. No convincing on the death of idealism that came with both the end of the Sixties and in the latter half of the '90s will resonate with some people.

22. There are worse things than being remembered for having one work of art that was considered great early in your career. And I'm not sure if being a neverwas is one of them.

23. Putting 'O-matic' on things I build isn't as much fun as it use to be.

24. The Columbine Massacre affected me more than I can fully express. There were (and probably still are) quite a few similarities between Dylan Klebold, Eric Harris, and myself.

25. I'm not sure if "Weird" Al was ever funny. Sure I found (and still find) some of his work amusing and respect his ability to parody but I'm not sure if he was ever that funny. He was good in 'UHF' but so was the rest of the cast. Got to say that his medleys of songs in polka form are my favorites. But no matter what is said about the man he does a good stage show.

26. In order to be able to win future bets I learned most of the lyrics to 'It's the end of the world as we know it'. So far that bet hasn't happened and I haven't broken down and sung it at a karaoke night.

27. I will go to an ATM, get money, find a way to get some change and give some money to a busker but I won't give a kid with a sign that says 'Punch me in the face 5 bucks' any money unless they let me bash them with a hammer.

28. Even though Punk could be consider dead there are plenty of people that will say it's not. Given the socio-economical forces that help create the first punk movement I wouldn't be too surprised if another one gets started… or the February Revolution for that matter… but where would we find a Czar at this hour?

29. No matter how good I get at an arcade game some one will always be better. Often someone younger than me and they will rub in how much I suck. Exception: Back in '99/ early '00 I spent a lot of time getting good at 'Area 51' in Corbett Center's arcade. I may not have been better than everyone but I knew the first couple levels so well I could drink a soda and still get a high streak.
    Yeah I was a really cool freshman.

30. I should have become a musical theater geek. Because the straight male musical theater geek has such low probabilities of occurring I'd fill an odd kind of niche.
    
31. I've met more famous people than I realize.

32. No decade is as 'cool' as it's remembered. Now if you get into movements that lasted closer to a generation (20 years) I might be will to get onto that turnip truck.

33. Huell Howser is a fluke of success and should be envied but not recreated. He's some kind of low cost advertising campaign for California. I suppose those are called grass roots now but it still means low budget.

34. Max Fleischer should be remembered a bit more than he is. Just a bit more perhaps not on the level of Tex Avery or Chuck Jones but he was good in his own right.

35. My nicknames tend to suck.

36. I should have become a music geek so I could either have a better than thou sense when dealing with modern music or the paradoxical love/hate relationship that record collectors tend to have.

37. Old blues or jazz artists are cooler than I can ever hope to be.

38. 'Shock Treatment' and 'Grease 2' have things going for them that the originals never had. Perhaps it's the campy songs or the overall feeling of the films that should never be staged but they are just good in ways the originals may never be.

39. If you grab life by the teats you can milk success so thoroughly a fan base will respect you even if you never get to the same place you were with your one break out success. In other words: I envy Kevin Smith and Alfred Jarry.

40. Greatest response to 'There's no "I" in team': 'But there is "me at work" in "teamwork"'. Thank you Minister Faust and your unique brand of Sci-Fi. [That quote is not sic because I don't have a copy of 'From the Notebook of Doctor Brain' were the quote appears and while I do have 'Coyote Kings of the Space Age Bachelor Pad' I don't have it with me and if I did it'd do me no good.

41. I'd sooner become a vegetarian then try to keep kosher. At least when I fail being a vegetarian it doesn't count as failing my faith.

42. People don't try to convert me to their faith as much anymore. Lately it's been more of their political views. Which leads me to wonder if politics is the new religion… at least for this year?

43. My earliest complete memory is when I was three and bragging about talking in complete sentences. This is odd since I doubt I understood what that meant but I still bragged.

44. In some ways I'm a movie geek. It's more like I'm Sublet from Gibson's 'Virtual Light'. I can sum up plots and name some actors and then relate a few connections, look for god in the film and that jive. But not a true movie geek.

45. In '95 I saw a play called 'The Late Great Me' telling the story of a girl's descent into social ruin by the dangers of alcohol. I really like the title and use it in my inner dialogue sometimes and here's the kicker especially when drinking.

46. The first time I heard 'Smells like Teen Spirit' I thought there were a lot of potato references. And in '94 when a classmate had a memorial to Kurt Cobain I couldn't help but laugh at bit thinking of that when he played 'Smells like Teen Spirit'.

47. I saw 'Blues Brothers 2000' in the theaters. It was fairly close to opening weekend and it wasn't at an odd ball time like first or last showing but the theater was empty except me and maybe 3 people. Same thing happened with 'Biodome'.

48. I've only had one job I've done consistently in my life and that is being a stage tech. Number two is working at McDonald's.

49. I was a computer geek when it was a lot easier to be a computer geek. Knowing what a baud rate was enough. If not that then simple things like RAM and how to read software requirements. Nowadays it's so hard I don't even try.

50. There are a few songs which I've heard the radio edits of so much that the actual version just doesn't sound right. Violent Femmes have a few songs on that short list.

51. There are certain hobbies that are cool when you're good at them and quite lame when you're not. Those can include: magic, yo-yoing, juggling and impressions. Thankfully I gave up most of those before trying to show off my half formed talent which was still in the lame range.

52. Fifty Two pick up is a really one sided game.